I've been trying to fill my time by experimenting with nail polish and nail art. It's something I've always enjoyed but never had the patience for before. Many of you who are on my Facebook or Instagram may be fed up of seeing so many nail pictures, but it's what is keeping me same at the minute. If I'm sat here concentrating on one thing, for a short while I forget everything else.
The past few months have been the hardest since May 2007. And I was honestly very close to breaking point. Things are slowly getting to the point where I can see the light again. Small things that I am able to do mean a lot to me. Silly things like I was able to buy Ash a new notepad and some pencils so she can practice her writing still. And saw some nail polish on sale so treated myself. Silly little things like that mean a hell of a lot and some take it for granted, I know I used to.
Life is slowly getting back on track and that I am grateful for.
These are some things my mum has taught me:
- if you ever want to get anywhere in life, you work hard for it. She managed to raise 3 kids, return to uni, and meet my stepdad and they've been happily married about 12 years now. She's got a good job and is happy. The only person this rule doesn't apply to is my older brother. He's a lucky bastard! He seems to have all the luck! (But he also worked hard at his qualifications to be in the position to get lucky where work is concerned)
- don't go looking for love or happiness it will find you. Case in point, my mum was at university and met my stepdad. They way they tell their story is amazing "we had a date and he just never left" but you can see through the jokes and silliness they're still madly in love.
- take time for you. Take time for family. When I was a teenager, until I got pregnant with Ashleigh I was very selfish and self centred. The only thing that mattered was me. It caused problems and arguments between all of us as a family. But finding out I was pregnant, then living in the hostel for 6 months I learnt that there were more important things. Me and my mum speak every day. She's my rock. I call her up and have a good rant and rave and we have a laugh. We see each other at least once a week. 7 years ago if you put us in the same house we probably would've killed each other!
- appreciate what you have as you never know how much longer it'll last.
But the most important thing she's taught me is that family is what matters most. Family are there for you when nobody else is. You shit on your family, but realise your mistake and apologise, they will still be there for you. But at the same time there comes a point where you get fed up of being treated like rubbish by a family member. There's only so much you can take as a person. As a family. I realised this luckily before it got too late, and the relationships with most of my family are really good, and strong. Me and my mum get along great. I also know I can turn to my stepdad if I need help or advice. And my dad, he's brilliant. I've always been a daddy's girl, and the older I get the better it is! I can ask him the most random stuff, turn up at his house unannounced, and he doesn't mind (well he does when he comes home from work and I'm there using his Internet when mine was cut off!) he's been there for us when we've needed help, our boiler broke, we stayed at his, we ran out of gas/electric he gives us money to get more or let's us stay at his until we are paid. What surprises me most is that he hasn't changed his locks since giving me the key (I'm serious I'm round there some weeks more than I'm at my own home!)
We are a close family, we get along (majority of the time) and we stick together. We've been through some rough times individually and as a family, but I think that's brought us even closer.
Sometimes you don't realise how much love and support you actually have from your family until you ask for it. Took me a long time to ask for help, now I know how it is to have a supportive family it makes me wonder why I didn't reach out to them sooner!
As I've said before, what my mum taught me, I hope to teach Ashleigh. When she turns around and tells me "I don't need a daddy, I've got my mummy and she's awesome" makes me realise I'm doing well. And at the age of 4 turns round and says "my daddy doesn't see me, he's a nasty man" makes me think that even though he isn't spoken of at all, and in our eyes is nothing more than a donor , she knows something isn't right about the fact her dad doesn't make the time to see her.
I know that sentence may not sit right with a few of you, but that is the easiest way to put what her dad has been to her. She doesn't know him, he doesn't know her. He walked away and Ash came up with the fact that her friends have daddies they see and she doesn't have a daddy so he must be a nasty man. I ask her why she thinks that he's nasty, and she replied "because he doesn't want to see me" how can you argue with that really?
I'm going to have a tough time explaining when she's older just where he is. Why he walked away. Because other than a pathetic solicitor letter that tries to pass the blame, I don't know myself.
This picture melts my heart. She drew herself, then me, wrote our names, and put a heart "because we does love each other don't we mummy"
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