A journey back in time...
Pretty much my whole pregnancy was straightforward (apart from scaring my mum by feinting in the middle of woolworths!) Labour, not so easy, not so straightforward. I was in slow labour for around a week, and hated every minute of it! I was finally admitted to hospital at 40+1 and was prepared for them to start me off that night. They didn't see the need to, even though I was exhausted and in agony they would only do a sweep. I burst into tears cus I just wanted it over with!
Little did I know I would be rudely woken up at 2:50am with the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life (up to that point anyway!) after 2-3 hours of no pain relief they offered me paracetamol. PARACETAMOL!!! That doesn't even work on a headache what that supposed to help with when I'm in labour?!?! Another hour and I guilted them into letting me have a TENs machine, my god was that a lifesaver! My mum was due to come in at 8am to be with me cus my girls dad was working. One midwife tried being nice to me but I was in so much pain I couldn't do or say anything (I later found out she's a relative of ours 😁) not long after my mum appeared I could not stop being sick, it was disgusting, and for my mum to deal so well with it when she can't stand it was amazing!
If I'm honest after that I don't remember much, I was so sick and so tired after I had meptid I was super drowsy too. These are the only parts I remember, I felt I'd been pushing for days (it had only been an hour) and when I was told she was going to cut me I had a go at her! I didn't want to be cut! Little did I know my girls heartbeat wasn't coming up fast enough between contractions and they were worried (months later I found out they were prepping us for a C-section) they decided to try a ventouse on her head to see if that helped, it was literally on there for seconds before she was actually born! (And she never had the egg head and bruise that usually comes with having the suction on their heads)
My girl came into this life, and showed her personality off right away. Couldn't be bothered to breathe but was holding her head up and looking around- nosey mare! She was taken from me for what seemed like forever, no cries and I was so scared. I'd seen her open her eyes, she'd looked around the room, why in the hell wasn't she breathing?! After (what was only a few seconds) she let out a winge and was done with her crying (for now!) she was TINY! I couldn't believe it, I was expecting a chunker but even the early baby clothes were too big on her. Ashleigh was born 21st December 2007 at 3:50pm.
Life ticked over for a few months, have the same struggles every new parent has, relationship difficulties, tiredness, NON STOP CRYING! And not just from Ashleigh!
Until she was around 4 months old.
She had been a little sickly during the day, and sleepier than usual. I was worried but thought she may just have a little bug and it would pass. Later that night I was playing with her hair when I noticed a large bruised lump of the side of her head, just behind her ear. I had no idea where it had come from, how it had happened, and knew head injuries were never a good thing especially if you're sick and sleepy. I called NHS Direct (after a long argument with her dad) and they were lovely, and said that they were going to get an ambulance to take us to hospital as its best to get it looked at (trying my best not to panic I told dad to go wait outside and flag the ambulance down) we lived around 300yards from the ambulance station so knew one wouldn't be long, and I was right.
The crew were amazing, calmed me down, held Ash while I got dressed and packed a bag. They told me to take formula and bottles etc cus it may be a long wait (little did I know this was their way of telling me she'd be admitted to hospital!!)
An unexplained skull fracture on a four month old child raises alarms. CPS and the police were involved, days in hospital, endless investigations and interviews. Many, many X-rays, to rule out child abuse. The only thing they could say was it was an unexplained injury, probably from a fall of about 1m. Nobody came forward to say they had accidentally dropped her, you have your suspicions but nothing can be done about those. We were eventually let home because the police, CPS and the hospital were all confident in me and my parenting skills.
Safe to say this put strain on an already bad relationship and we broke up. Which meant I was a young single mum, another hurdle to get over. A month after, Ash was taken off the vulnerable child list, and 5 months after that CPS ceased their involvement.
And everything returned to almost normal. We had court dates for custody, joint custody (both of which the courts laughed off) then for visitation. We eventually sorted a visitation schedule, but even that wasn't stuck to.
If I cancelled because Ash was really sick I got endless letters from him and his solicitor. If he cancelled because his fiancé's kids had a doctor appointment (he didn't drive by the way, and where we lived he could've easily picked up our daughter and took her with him) I would send a letter and get some ridiculous reply. Safe to say the visitation schedule wasn't working, he cancelled more than he saw her.
Then 3 days before my 21st birthday (Ash was 13 months old) she had her first seizure. It was the worst thing I've seen in my life. Your child, blue, not breathing, and fitting uncontrollably. Ambulance was called, and because I was on the phone with my brother when the seizure started, he made his way to mine to be with us. He got there before the ambulance!! He came to hospital with us, he spoke to family members and kept them updated as I was in no state to do so! At around 2am they discharged her saying she had a viral infection and due to a high temperature she suffered a febrile convulsion. Gave us some paracetamol and sent us on our way.
2 days later she suffered another seizure, this time I had to cope alone. It was even scarier than the first. My phone was non-stop and I had no answers. We was again discharged to the same explanation.
To cut a long story short, she suffered another 9 febrile convulsions between January and June. And in July she suffered another seizure. This time it felt different, and I was trying to convince the doctor to do tests, when she went into another fit, only 7 hours after her last. This had never happened before and she was admitted to hospital. They did an MRI, no bleeding on the brain (thank god!) they did an EEG, nothing significant showed on the test. This gave us no answers but the consultant she was allocated to asked how I felt about putting her an anti-epileptic medication. I didn't feel safe going home and her suffering another seizure to be back to square one again.
The medication worked wonders! She didn't suffer seizures, but these little things I later found out were absences, basically a mini-seizure. Then in November she got a stomach bug. Was sick at the "wrong" times, where I couldn't give her any more medication as it was too late after she took it to know how much was in her system. This time I knew she was going to have a seizure, and her Aunt and Nanny visited on her Aunt's birthday, and I said I think she's going to fit soon. 5 hours later they weren't surprised to get the text saying Ash was back in hospital. Because of the stomach bug, her levels of her medicine had dropped below a level where they were actually effective. It took days to get the medication to work, and she suffered 30+ seizures in that time. Her dad saw his first ever seizure then, and it was only the latter half of it. Looked like he was about to feint, he said he finally knew what we had gone through these past few months. When her medication levels were safe again, we was able to go home, and back to our normal life.
Her birthday went by, no drama, nice party with her cousins. And everything was great until Boxing Day, when her dad brought her back home. I said I was disappointed he didn't send a card or little present for her to open on her birthday, and he kicked off, swearing so violently (infront of Ash) and when I tried to close the door he kicked it back open on us. When I finally managed to move him to close the door I got us into the house and Ash wouldn't leave my side, I couldn't put her down. This was the first time I called the police on him, how dare he scare my child to the point where I can't set her down to nap, or play because she's scared stiff! The police were lovely, and said I didn't need to keep the contact order because of his aggressive behaviour and the fear for Ash's safety and if he would actually return her. I got in touch with my solicitor as soon as the opened again after Christmas and began the process to remove his rights. I did not want my child around someone like that. I was forced to begin the contact again else I could've faced jail time because it was a court order we had. (Ridiculous!) between January and April, he saw her once. He cancelled almost every contact session he had with her. And right as we was ready to send our application off to the courts, we received a letter. It said he no longer wanted to see Ash. Tried to blame me and said I put a barrier in between them and constantly cancelled (think he mixed the two of us up there!) The FUNNIEST part of the letter was "I will continue to send Ashleigh presents and cards for her birthday, Christmas, and special occasions". Considering he had not sent her anything since she was around 1, it made us all chuckle. She's now 5, and he's never sent her anything, not even a card.
Looking back, it's the best letter I've ever received.
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