Bull

I'm finding it so hard to put down what's bothering me without coming across as a heartless money centred selfish cow. But been as money has basically fucked up my whole year why should it be any different now?!

Started the year with having to leave uni due to rent arrears (because of the way the government work out housing benefit). To it taking almost 4 months for the government yet again to decide I'm finally eligible for JSA ten days before I get a job! For the childminder to screw us all over with her disgusting attitude and approach to her work. To then be fired from my job for "absenteeism" being too high (btw I was off sick when they rang me to tell me this, I had food poisoning!). To having to go to court over my home and facing the possibility of eviction. To finding a new job. To tax credits stopping my money because some tit can't actually do his job and me falling behind in my rent and childcare. To tax credits not back paying me the £200 but adding on £10 per month to my tax credits (thanks for fucking me over). Which means my housing benefit is less, which means I have to pay out more weekly in rent which means I can barely afford my rent and childcare as well as get our food and electric/gas each week. 

That basically sums up the past 8 months. 

This year is one of the shittest I've ever had. No wonder I'm stress eating. No wonder I'm fat. No wonder I'm going grey. And that's just the money troubles. 

Ash's attitude towards me the past two months has been disgusting. She had moments of being her amazing self, through big patches of being a horror. And of course no one believes me as she's good as gold for them and when we're out in public. She ignores me, tells me she's not listening, won't do as she's told, will purposely do the opposite of what she's told. And I swear she purposely does stupid stuff to give me a heart attack, she runs off towards car parks, wanders into a road whilst I'm grabbing her back from stepping off the curb. I have no idea what's brought on this shitty attitude of hers but it can stop. I want my nice child back. I want my loving child back. I want my Ashleigh back. 

I don't want a lot from life ATM. I just want to have a job, come home to a nice place, have my amazingly kindhearted girl back, and for one thing to just not fuck up for a month, heck I'd take a week!!

There have been some amazing things happen this year. But the crap is out-shadowing ATM. Maybe if things go smoothly for a while I will reminisce about the good thing this year. 

Troubled Times

I've been struggling for some time to try and blog. It was a way to vent and to let off steam when things were getting tough. And things are tough at the minute, but the things going on I don't want to tell everyone about. A select few friends or family know what I'm going through at the minute, and are doing well of keeping my spirits up and I really appreciate it.

It is times like this though that make me realise what few friends I actually have. As I've grown up and as Ash has got older a lot of the people I've considered friends have grown apart. I feel alone a lot of the time anyway, because I am literally alone the majority of the time. Some "friends" aren't interested in talking to me or seeing me if I can't go out on the piss. Others don't bother talking to me at all because in the past I've had to say no a lot to going out because of a serious lack of money. Others have moved on in their own lives and got married and had more children, whereas I'm still the lone parent bringing up one child. 

I'm still single so I don't have a partner to turn to to console in, or just to spend quiet time with. It's amazing how much you can miss sitting quietly on the sofa watching a film, curled up with someone you love. Miss stupid chatter with. Miss doing the chores with! I was hoping at my age to have at least gotten engaged, maybe moved in with someone. Been thinking of having another child. Instead, I'm alone, watching a film, wishing I had someone to talk to. 

Friends say they're always there for you, but don't reply if you want to talk. I've given up trying half the time because it's worse being ignored by people you thought were there for you, than actually knowing you're alone. I know I'm alone I deal with this fact daily.

I often have people say "but you've got Ash" they have NO idea what it's like to raise a child completely alone, to be making all the important decisions alone. Come bed time, I'm sat alone in a quiet living room with nobody to talk to. 

Yes this is a self loathing post, yes I'm whinging about some things people may be grateful for. But I literally have nowhere else to turn. 

                                            

  

Sleep, and lack of it!

I've been having trouble sleeping for quite some time, I can stay awake for 2-3 days at a time. Of course I'm knackered and zombiefied for the majority of this time, but I'm still awake. Recently I'd been able to sleep again normally, getting at least 6 hours a night, which is unusual for me at the best of times. But the past couple of days it's been a struggle again.
Last "night" I didn't get to sleep until after 4am, then I was awake from 7:30. I've been on the go all day.
⚫ School run, 8:45 until 9:15
⚪ Came home and began sorting out my room. I did LOADS! I've thrown out two bin bags of stuff I don't use or didn't even know I owned. I've got one basket left to sort out. Anything that doesn't have a "home" will be thrown. I did this all day. Sorting, throwing, cleaning, dusting, crafting. Next thing I knew it was time for the school run!
⚫ School run 2:30 until 3:45. I headed out slightly earlier than normal, mainly because I didn't want to lose track of time again. But it was lovely and sunny so thought I'd make the most of the warmth outside!

While I was waiting for the school gates to open, I had a phone call from my personal advisor. (I'd sent her an email last week about ways of gaining experience in areas I don't currently have any, but she's been off poorly) I told her I'd been offered a job, guaranteed hours, everything! Said contract was sorted between childminder and myself. We originally had an appointment booked for tomorrow but she has to go into hospital so couldn't keep it, but instead offered me an appointment if I could make it up to the job centre before 4pm. So I had to run home from the school, grab my purse, proof of childcare contract and costs, run up to town and get to the job centre. Was sat down by 3:45 which I think was good been as Ash didn't get out until 3:25.
⚪ All our paperwork was sorted, childcare paperwork for first week to be paid for, "better off calculation" then she asked if I needed any clothing to start work. My mind went blank so I said jeans and shoes. So I got a voucher for two pairs of jeans and either boots/ shoes or trainers from Matalan.
⚫Slight detour on the way home, 4:45 until 5:30 we was at Matalan.

By the time we got home we were both shattered! Ashleigh didn't want to do anything but watch a DVD, and I just needed to lie down as I had a headache! (Was very proud of myself for not falling asleep at that point which I quite often do if I'm tired at a random time, which doesn't help my bad sleep patterns!)
Ash only wanted Pasgetti for dinner, so I ping'd that and ping'd myself a mini pizza.
The rest of the evening I flitted between craft stuff and cleaning, as well as some organisational things for Scentsy.

Then the wall hit at 8pm, I was struggling to stay awake but needed to to get Ash off to bed! She wanted to watch Batman before bed, so I put it on in the living room and left her to it. When it finished I realised I hadn't seen her sneak into my room for some time, she'd fell asleep on the armchair all cuddled up! She looked so sweet. So I put her to bed.
NOW is the time I should be going to sleep, I should be shattered, beyond shattered after not stopping all day! But I'm now awake. Sure my body feels tired and I'm a little brain dead. But my mind can't switch off again for me to be able to fall asleep. Maybe if I did the last basket that'll bore me to sleep!

Really should go to the doctors about my lack of sleep :/
Wish I slept as much as Ashleigh!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel!

Finally I can see the light at the end I the tunnel. This light disappeared in January, returned February, then disappeared again until Friday.
If you've been reading my posts you'll know I've been struggling recently with one thing or another, the worst being finding a job. I applied everywhere, for anything, with no success.
The annual stress of whether my car would pass its MOT came, wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. And like last year I went to Sureparts to get the things needed to fix it and took them to my (amazingly brilliant) Dad so he could fix my car ready for the re-test. It was then that my (epically awesome) Dad said I should apply for a job at Sureparts, I have experience with shop work and now I'm old enough to be a driver for companies now. The next day I took in my CV, and left wondering if I'd hear back from them at all. The day after this I was sat in the MOT centre while my car was being retested, being nosey on Facebook (as I often am), and was thinking to myself when I may hear from Sureparts. It was freaky really because at that exact same time my phone rang with an interview offer for the next lunch time!! Honestly I was just so excited to be invited for an interview I let everyone know! Took me ages to decide what to wear for my interview, as always, and headed out to my interview.
(This is what i ended up wearing, i didn't want to go too girly!)

I thought it would be one of the managers interviewing me but it was one of the co-owners!!! He'd read my CV and was impressed with my experience and that I'd volunteered. Interview didn't even last 10 minutes but I left with a good feeling, and was told I'd know by the end of the day if I was successful. TWO HOURS later I get a phone call and a job offer!! I stayed as calm as I could on the call, but as soon as it ended I was jumping around the house dancing and laughing, trying to call and text as many people as I could, forgetting the majority of people to be quite honest in the excitement! I quite literally fell into this job, thanks to my (genius lovely) Dad suggesting it to me! The best thing is its FULL TIME hours, Mondays to Fridays and every other Saturday, no late finishes, guaranteed hours, bonus opportunities, and still the time to spend with Ash as she grows!
As you can probably tell I'm so thankful for my Dad, not only for fixing my car (again), but for suggesting this job to me. Sounds silly but I forget I'm over 25 now with a full driving licence so can do jobs like this!!

The light at the end of the tunnel that had disappeared not so long ago, is getting brighter each day. I'm ecstatic I've got a job. And this will help a lot of the other things fall into place. I just need to try and stay positive about the things that will get better, but will take time too.

Bit Lost

With everything going on at the moment I've felt a bit lost with everyday life. Finding it hard to get up and do normal everyday things because I know things aren't normal.

My sleep is all over the place because my mind is working overtime trying to mentally get a grip on everything. I am either awake until 7am then manage to get 3-4 hours until Ash gets up. Or I fall asleep about 10-11pm and am awake again by 3am. Both leave me drained and grouchy! I've been tempted to go and get sleeping pills from the doctor but have heard bad things about how the effect you, and if Ash needs me in the night will I be able to help her when I've taken a sleeping tablet? I know my doctor could answer all these questions for me but I guess I'm nervous about them asking even more questions and wanting to put me back on anti-depressants.

I'm still searching high and low for a job, without much luck. I honestly haven't for a clue why, I've got loads of experience and good qualifications, suppose in this climate people are nervous to hire. Who can blame them. But I hate being on benefits and wish I could get a job, pay my bills, and be able to afford to go out once in a blue moon. I've not been out with friends since CHRISTMAS EVE!! Me and Ash haven't done anything like a day trip for a long time.

I love that I do Scentsy, the money I earn from that is our "fun money" and I treat me and Ash to something little like a pizza, or Macdonalds, and put the rest into her savings account so we can do something fun in a few months. I love promoting a product I believe in and love myself! I hav used Scentsy myself for a long time, and because its a fairly new product in England I love showing it to new people. Not only that but the team I'm in are all fantastic. They're sweet and supportive and my Sponsor is an angel! They're more friends than colleagues.

I am worried though. I think Ash can tell I'm not myself, that I'm not happy mummy very much at the moment. She makes me cry when she turns to me and says "I just want you to be happy mummy" and "are you happy with me" I hate to think that she believes that my unhappiness is because of her, yes, she may drive me crazy, make me want to pull my hair out. But she is MY daughter and I love her unconditionally. Even though its been a hard 5 and a bit years I wouldn't change it for the world.

I'm trying to claw back normal life piece by piece, and I think I'm slowly getting there. Even if its just getting back on top of housework, or being able to sit down for ten minutes without thinking about the bad things too much.
I think the hardest thing is I'm alone. Yes I have Ashleigh here, but fundamentally I'm alone. I don't have a partner to turn to an talk about my concerns and worries, I seem to have lost my network of friends and can't turn to one and just cry about all the shit I've got built up inside. During the day when Ash is at school, I've got nobody to talk to, nobody to visit. When she comes home I cook dinner, watch a film with her and put her to bed. Then I'm alone again. I can't go visit anybody because I haven't got anyone here to look after Ash while I go see someone. I've got nobody here to talk to. Makes things worse knowing I'm alone. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I prefer to be alone. I'd rather be alone than in a relationship with the wrong person. I'm glad I get EVERY weekend with Ashleigh and don't have to share her with her dad. I like that I'm the decision maker; if I say no it means no, she's got nobody to turn to and play us against each other. But a lot of the time I wish I had support. I had someone the other day say "you have support" and to call them if I need support. But if Ash starts misbehaving, me calling someone up to help deal with her isn't really helping. It shows her I can't cope and will make her act out more because she knows she can push me. I can really win either way but is prefer to deal with discipline myself, to let Ashleigh know what I say goes and if she doesn't stick to the rules she will miss out (either on films or sweets or chocolates until her behaviour improves). But again, if I had a partner, he could help me with this, if I needed it. I know what I've just said is somewhat contradictory but that's how life, and raising a child is. It's hard to find a decent guy who is willing to bring up your child as his own. (Even harder when she doesn't see her dad at all so I never have any set "down time") you see lairs taking on their boyfriends children all the time, even If they only see their children at weekends the girlfriends are still a big part of this child's life. It's harder to find a guy who will do that. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. Maybe if I actually had a life outside of this flat I might meet someone.

Mutual friends who take a fancy to me, either want only one thing, and are then surprised when I say no. (Just because I have a child doesn't mean I'm a slut.) or have a partner of their own and ask me to be a bit in the side. WHY would they think I'd like that? It's like saying, you're good, but not good enough.
I have a child to think about. She has a hard enough time trusting men because of what her dads put her through. I've had one boyfriend since me and Ashleigh's dad broke up, and he was fantastic, with me and Ash. Understanding of our situation, and most of all, Ash loved him. Now I'm not sure why exactly he ended the relationship. And it was hard trying to get over it whilst Ash was still asking to see him. Me and him still talk, he was supportive to me while Ash had her surgery and during her recovery afterwards. And we've spoke about going for a drink together. I've said yes, but I'm scared. What if I see him and it opens the box I closed. What if feelings come back and he just wants to be friends. What if he wants to get back together, I'll worry that 8 months down the line it'll all happen again. I know you never know until you actually meet up. I've got close to actually setting a date now but chickened out at the last minute.
Anyway I'm ranting on. Writing down each thought that comes into my head without caring what is actually being said. I don't even know if this makes sense but I'm hoping I'll feel better for writing it.

Frustration.

I haven't posted for a while. Things have been a little hectic here. And so stressful. I've been trying so hard to get work sorted but to no avail. This post is going to let you know why I've been hiding away from posting for a few weeks.

Ever get the feeling you're being messed around? Ever have that feeling for months on end? That's exactly how I feel, how I have been feeling since the beginning of February!
I've been searching for a job since I had to leave uni in January. I was offered a job 16th January, and completed the training by the 1st February. My Enhanced Disclosure CRB came back about 3 weeks after that. Originally I needed 3 references, two of which needed to be character. I knew all my references had been submitted, but I was being asked for extra references. In the end I'd given 5 references but no guaranteed start date or number of hours per week!
I quickly started losing all interest and patience with this and started emailing repeatedly for some sort of news. Eventually had a reply saying my details would be passed to the managers for me to have an orientation meeting, and I would have a call the next day. FIVE days later I get a call, and a week later we have our orientation meeting. Still no start date, still no guarantee of the minimum 16 hours I need every week.
The very last straw for me was this weekend. I had arranged childcare to go and do some shadowing, and was waiting for a text to give me the address where I was to meet the other carer. Still hadn't heard from them by 11am on the day of the shadowing, so I messaged them. I still hadn't heard anything by an hour before I was due to start. So I cancelled the childcare and spent the night in with Ashleigh. I never received and notification or message to say that the other carer couldn't make it. I still haven't heard from them. To be very honest I don't want to work for a company who can't organise themselves to get a carer to begin work!
And now it's Easter break. Ash is off school for 2 weeks and with them not guaranteeing my 16 hours I have no childcare allowance. I have to apply or a type of childcare that isn't guaranteed and can be denied by the Job Centre. What childminder would look after Ashleigh without knowing if they're even going to be paid at the end of the month?!
So I've decided to go back to the job agency I signed up with and get some work with them. I will have guaranteed hours and a job for as long as I want it.
What's more important is I will have a regular income and a chance to save money to get me back into university.
As much as I would love the original job I've been waiting months to start, I need to think sensibly. I need regular income, hours and the knowledge I can pay my bills.
I still do my Scentsy, and am doing very well with it. I love having extra cash that I can use to treat myself and Ashleigh with. The money comes in handy when I can't rely on the maintenance payments. And it's something I love. I do hope as my business builds I can afford to work less!

I'm also saving to attend college an do a nail technicians course. Loads of people complement me on my nails and designs, and it's something I love doing so love the idea of creating beautiful nails for other people!

Working on Things

Been a bit quiet recently. Working on getting things back in order, and Ash was poorly last week so had my hands full!

I wanted to give a little plug to my venture I'm doing, some of you already know I'm a Scentsy Consultant. I'm trying to broaden my customers as I think Scentsy is a fantastic alternative to candles. I was so excited to hear it was available in England!

"Before I found Scentsy I loved scented candles, had them in every room. One day I went out and come home to find one still lit, I was so lucky there wasn't a fire!
When I had my daughter my worry then wasn't just leaving one lit when out of the house, it was the worry of her pulling one onto her or trying to touch the flame! The idea of the flame and the soot around my baby made me scared to use candles for anything more than decoration.
When burning candles the soot and wax from the candle being burned collects on your walls, furniture and upholsteries...we even breathe it in! It made me more determined not to use a candle again!
After looking for safe alternatives I found Scentsy!! I immediately fell in love with the products, the variety of scents...and the fact it's not just limited to wax!!
I love my job because I can share my story and the amazing products with people who may have not known the option was there. I can help raise funds for non profit organisations and give something back!
I have Scentsy in my home, my car, even my daughter has a Scentsy Buddy!
I've found the Scentsy team I'm in to be more of a family and this I want to share with everybody.
Try it! You'll wonder where you was before you found Scentsy!"

With Scentsy there are no flames, which makes it immediately safer than candles! There are so many scents available and it's so easy to change which one you want in your warmer, and takes so much less space to store a bar than it does to store a candle! Then there are the savings you can make by switching to Scentsy!

There are so many warmers to choose from, you're bound to find one to suit your taste and your decor! I've got 4 in my home, Silvervine in my bedroom, Jet in my living room, Tilia in my bathroom and Tiara in Ash's room. I only have 1-2 warming at the same time, but alternate which ones are warming. The scent spreads nicely throughout my home and people comment how nice it smells when they walk in!

I have a website too which you can order directly from, or you can come to my parties that I have at home, with games and giveaways too.
www.cara-scents-you-love.scentsy.co.uk

I also have a Facebook page where I update with the parties and other news Scentsy related!
https://www.facebook.com/CaraScentsYouLove

Honestly if you love Scented candles, and just things that smell nice in general you will love Scentsy as much as I do!

There is also the opportunity to hold your own Scentsy parties where you can earn free and half priced items! Just comment on the Facebook page if you're interested!